Imagine what happened inside the Justice Department on Friday afternoon. Had you been there, it might have looked something like this:
Special Council Robert Mueller walks into Attorney General William Barr’s office with a thick tome. “Here’s the Russia Report,” he says, placing it in front of Barr. “No collusion. No obstruction of justice.”
A.G. Barr looks on at Mueller. “OK,” he says. “Good job. Thanks.”
Then Mueller repeats the process, somberly taking a copy of the massive report into Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein’s office. “Here it is,” he says. “No collusion, no obstruction.”
Rosenstein looks into Mueller’s eyes with horror. After a few moments, he screams, “Who are you and what have you done with the real Bob Mueller?”
He then drops onto his knees, as if praying. “Please, please,” he pleads. “Oh, I now get it! We’re only a few days away from April Fool’s Day. That’s it, isn’t it. It’s an early April Fool’s joke! Isn’t it?? Isn’t it????”
Mueller silently stares at him and, shaking his head, turns and leaves the room. As he walks down the long hall, he hears the wails from Rosenstein’s office. “Please, God, don’t let this be real. Just let me be having a stroke! Let me be having hallucinations as I go insane! Please don’t let this be real… Wait, wait, maybe it’s like in Dallas, where the whole previous season is really Pam Ewing’s dream and Bobby is really in the shower….”
You can expect plenty more reactions like our imaginary interaction in Rosenstein’s office.
In the near future, I think you will be seeing newspaper and Internet headline something like this:
Real Mueller Abducted by Russians. Replaced by Look-Alike Who Wrote Report
Muller Received Conservative Brain Transplant Before Writing Report
Trump Paid Mueller $100M to Say Nice Things About Him
Alien Mind Control: Why Mueller Exonerated Trump
After Mueller Report, World Got Colder. Now Only Three Years ‘Til End of World
Let’s be honest, it’s difficult for Liberals to accept the truth. The headlines above make sense to them. The truth that President Trump is innocent and did nothing wrong makes no sense at all if you’re a liberal. Surely we can figure out how the aliens did this if we try hard enough!
— Mr. Evil