Amazing Predictions for 2020

This post is dedicated to my friend, Paul.  He will understand.

I was privileged to know and be a good friend of the famous supermarket tabloid clairvoyant and bottle cap collector, Felonius Hornswoggler.  He passed away 30 years ago, but if you’re old enough, you’ll remember that each January he would make startling predictions about what might happen during the upcoming year.  And sometimes he would make predictions for the more distant future.

The Internet wasn’t around then, so the tabloids were something to entertain you as you waited in line at the supermarket.   Those who wrote the headlines were master marketers. A headline from the Inquiring World News would jumped out at you:  Clairvoyant Predicts Billy Carter will Cure the Common Cold with Ingredients in Beer and Peanuts!

Then under the headline was another prediction:  Ronald Regan Will Give Up Politics, Return to the Movies, and Win an Oscar for Best Actor!  100 More Amazing Predictions Inside!

It was enough to make you pull the tabloid down from the magazine rack and take it home with you.

I’ll admit that Felonius’ predictions weren’t always one hundred percent accurate, but no clairvoyant can see through the fog of the future perfectly.

One day back in March of 1989, I was called to Felonius’ bedside.  He knew that he only had a couple of days, if not hours, left.  It was a sad time, and I knew I had to be there for him.  After all, it was the Great Felonius who predicted that I would someday write a best-selling trivia book.

I sat by his bed for a long time, not sure if he was even aware that I was there.  The hospital room was dim, but a muted television on the wall displayed the news and gave most of the light.

He opened his eyes, turned to me, and weakly smiled.

“I have something for you,” he said in a whisper.  “Open that drawer by the bed and you’ll find an envelope.  Pull it out, but don’t open it.”

I did as Felonius asked.  My name was on the envelope.

“I’ve made predictions about the future,” he explained.  “Nothing is written in stone, but I’ve never been able to see more clearly.  I saw what the world will be like in the year 2020.  It was as if I were watching it on TV.”  He was very weak, but obviously very excited.

“I’m entrusting this to you.  Don’t open it until thirty years from today.  Then you can decide if you want to release it to the world. It will be your decision.”

Then he closed his eyes and faded away before me.

Despite the temptation, the envelope remained sealed until yesterday, the 30th anniversary of Felonius’ passing.  As I pulled out the paper and unfolded it, my hands were trembling.  And as I began to read, I was amazed and frightened by ten predictions.

Here is what the paper said in its entirety:

PREDICTIONS FOR THE YEAR 2020 BY FELONIUS HORNSWOGGLER

1.  A politician known as AOC will become the savior of the land. Citizens will vote to repeal the constitution and name her Supreme Ruler of the World for Life.
2.  Cows will become extinct.
3.  Obesity will disappear as the government takes control of all meal menus and provides everyone with a weekly ration of tofu and spinach.
4.  All houses will be topped by windmills.
5.  Automobiles will become obsolete as everyone walks or rides bicycles.  Airplanes will also disappear and be replaced by wind-powered ships for most international travel.
6.  Health care will be provided free to everyone and will become so popular that waiting lists will be up to 20 years long.
7.  Those who don’t want to work will be honored with a national holiday.
8.  Congress will pass a law requiring Senators and Representatives to smoke marijuana before debating legislation.
9.  Climate change deniers will be rounded up and sent to Kim Jong-un for target practice on his missile ranges.
10.  Fox News Channel will apologize for all its lies and go off the air.

I was, of course, stunned.  The Great Felonius had predicted the rise of AOC, even before she was born.

There is only one year before all this comes true, according to Felonius.  My mind went into overdrive: should I put lots of hamburger meat and steaks in the freezer now, before it’s too late?  Should I buy more freezers and tons of hamburger and steak?  Would the windmills provide enough energy to power the freezers?  What will I do when cows become extinct?

Then, I remembered the television in the hospital room those thirty years ago, and I understood.  The TV channel had been set to CNN.

Somehow, Felonius had failed to tune in to the real future of 2020.  Instead, by whatever means of divination, he had channeled the CNN newsroom of 2020, along with the hopes and dreams of its reporters, anchors, and producers!

As long as we are aware of our possible futures, we can change them. Felonius saw a possible future, one in which AOC is the person who decides how the rest of us will live, tofu and all!

Fortunately, as long as conservatives are still in the picture, we can make a future that we understand, one of patriotism, individualism, and a love for burgers!

By the way, why has Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez taken control of the Democrat party?   My wife and I discussed it and don’t understand.  Do you?

— Mr. Evil