When I bought my refrigerator, I thought of it as a good investment. It would keep my food from spoiling and allow me and my family to have tasty, fresh food on a regular basis. How was I to know that it would actually be a storehouse of evil and racism?
Don’t scoff. Your fridge may harbor even worse atrocities than mine does.
I just saw a news story about how Land O Lakes butter has removed the image of a beautiful Indian maiden from its box after almost one hundred years because of it’s overt racism. The maiden obviously incites people to hate Native Americans, despise their cultures, and encourages violence against them. Of course, when I read the story, I immediately opened my ‘fridge to find a box of Lands O Lakes butter sitting on the center shelf, right alongside the ears of corn on which I had planned to slather the melted butter this evening.
I had always thought that the Indian lady on the box represented a closeness to nature and a pure, wholesome product that could offend only the most extreme of the politically correct. I usually chose Land O Lakes butter because the box attracted my attention and made me feel I was getting a better butter. How wrong I was! Maybe Land O Lakes could replace the image of the maiden with the likeness of Elizabeth Warren. After all, Warren has no more Native American heritage than the average turnip, but she does have high cheekbones.
Then I got to thinking. Probably it is also racist to eat the corn. After all, I am of western European ancestry. Corn started as a wild grass in Mexico, and developed as the food we know now after many generations of cultivation by Native Americans. My ancestors had nothing to do with corn until about three hundred years ago when they started distilling it.
Then I started looking through my refrigerator. I don’t think I can eat much of what’s in there without engaging in blatant racism and/or cultural appropriation. I have tortillas, Greek yogurt, Spanish chorizo and Iberico ham, Swiss and Italian cheeses, Italian pasta sauce, and Korean peanut sauce.
Thank goodness I don’t have Eskimo Pies in the freezer.
Then I opened my pantry. It is even worse. Uncle Ben was starting at me from a box of rice. Middle Eastern couscous, Italian pasta, Kosher salt, Irish soda bread mix, and Spanish sweet piquillo peppers stuffed with white tuna fill the shelves, along with many other ethnic and international foods.
Why should I be able to enjoy spicy Kung Pao noodles when my ancestors had nothing to do with inventing them?
The good news is that I can still eat chicken broth (I think).
I fear that I’ll be much skinnier by the next time you hear from me.
— Mr. Evil